Resolve and Vulnerability

2 years ago I was recovering from having lost the job I'd had for most of my adulthood. I was still reeling from my sister's illness and death, that spanned over 2 tours of Iraq for my son, and my mother losing her mind to Alzheimer's. I had nothing in my bank account, and I opted to cough up $400 for a weight loss program that guaranteed me to lose 20 pounds in 12 weeks.

Money back. Guaranteed.

At my 16-lb mark, I was feeling great! I loved the food I was eating! It was fresh and beautiful, and I was merrily Facebooking my progress.

I was high on my diet! High on the food! High on the progress! I could do this forever!

And my leader, who I respected very much then, for her straightforward, no-nonsense advice, said to me "you know this isn't going to last."

It took the wind out of me.

I've dieted before. I knew the odds were against me, and I'd invested 1/3 of my 2011 "free money" to go for it.

I knew she only wanted me to gear up to be strong, when I was grew weary from Sunday afternoon vegetable prep. She was warning me to have a mental Plan B.

I never lost 20 pound. Somewhere in there, I lost it. I missed those beautiful meals. I was even preparing them at our campground: beautiful meals over the fire, served over fresh lettuce, with black beans. I made it work everywhere.

And yet, it didn't last.

While I own my behavior, my "leader"'s words resonated with me: You just aren't going to love this, forever.

I'm at 13 lbs now, 3 pounds before I tossed in the towel, 2 years ago.

I don't want to feel the way I felt, before I started this time around. There was nothing constructive about it for me.

I work hard at reminding myself of this, and shutting out those that tell me to "give it up." I'm facing a big test: 6, 14-hour days, and while I try to figure out while I can get through it, I had two women warn me, today:

Give it up.

For one week, give it up.

This I know: Historically speaking, if I give it up now, it will be 2015 before I give it another shot.

I don't have it in me, right now, to weight 199 pounds again.

I am NOT. Going to give it up.