Resolve and Vulnerability

2 years ago I was recovering from having lost the job I'd had for most of my adulthood. I was still reeling from my sister's illness and death, that spanned over 2 tours of Iraq for my son, and my mother losing her mind to Alzheimer's. I had nothing in my bank account, and I opted to cough up $400 for a weight loss program that guaranteed me to lose 20 pounds in 12 weeks.

Money back. Guaranteed.

At my 16-lb mark, I was feeling great! I loved the food I was eating! It was fresh and beautiful, and I was merrily Facebooking my progress.

I was high on my diet! High on the food! High on the progress! I could do this forever!

And my leader, who I respected very much then, for her straightforward, no-nonsense advice, said to me "you know this isn't going to last."

It took the wind out of me.

I've dieted before. I knew the odds were against me, and I'd invested 1/3 of my 2011 "free money" to go for it.

I knew she only wanted me to gear up to be strong, when I was grew weary from Sunday afternoon vegetable prep. She was warning me to have a mental Plan B.

I never lost 20 pound. Somewhere in there, I lost it. I missed those beautiful meals. I was even preparing them at our campground: beautiful meals over the fire, served over fresh lettuce, with black beans. I made it work everywhere.

And yet, it didn't last.

While I own my behavior, my "leader"'s words resonated with me: You just aren't going to love this, forever.

I'm at 13 lbs now, 3 pounds before I tossed in the towel, 2 years ago.

I don't want to feel the way I felt, before I started this time around. There was nothing constructive about it for me.

I work hard at reminding myself of this, and shutting out those that tell me to "give it up." I'm facing a big test: 6, 14-hour days, and while I try to figure out while I can get through it, I had two women warn me, today:

Give it up.

For one week, give it up.

This I know: Historically speaking, if I give it up now, it will be 2015 before I give it another shot.

I don't have it in me, right now, to weight 199 pounds again.

I am NOT. Going to give it up.

Shrimp Salad with Dill

K's turn to bring lunch today. It was so delicious that I commented, "I want to eat this slow, so it doesn't go away!"

I Did Not!

Slutty brownies. No!

Weekend Fast Food

Meals fell between running back and forth to the hospital twice, one trip to the nursing home, some necessary errands, and a 90-minute retreat in a nail spa. I kept junk food at bay, but it was still sort of junk food.

Taco truck: Steak burrito. Cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato, cilantro. I opened that burrito up and shoveled every bit of the stuffing out of it. Tossed the tortilla.

Windy City Express: I brought home a triple gyro to split. He got full custody of the fries and pitas. I tossed a spinach salad together (all veggies prepared ahead of time, it only took a few minutes to throw it all into a bowl), and added the lamb meat to the salad, with the cucumber tzatiki as dressing.

According to the SB app, I had calories left at the end of the day, but I maxed out my total fats, saturated fats, and cholesterol.

So, good but bad. If I'm in this to just to lose weight, I guess I'm still on track. Calories in, calories out.

But, if I want to get healthy while I'm at it...maybe next time I'll order the chicken burrito.

And then, a less graceful squeak-by...

A couple more hours in the hospital tonight, where we learned that MIL will have a second surgery tomorrow. I left the hospital at 7 to run a few errands, and by 8:30 was ready to chew my own arm off. My poor fella was still in the hospital, feeding his mama, and I knew I was going to at least offer to take a meal back to him. What was I going to do for myself, then?

I ended up pulling into burger king and ordering a cheeseburger at the drive thru. I tossed the bun and ate the burger, while I was driving down the road, like it was a chocolate chip cookie.

Not glamourous, but it got me home to a spinach salad.

Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

There Ought to be a Medal...

...for powering through the tough meals. Not just for getting through the day, but for holding it together in the face of hunger and exhaustion and stress. We need to make one. A traveling Diet Trophy, and we get to hold on to it until the next diet buddy conquers a tough meal.

Right now I nominate me, and I don't even care if someone else wins it away from me tomorrow morning.

In a nutshell, 5 hours of hospital waiting rooms tonight, we left at 9 pm. I was starving and tired, and stressed out from all of the poor patients around me moaning in agony. If I was a nurse, I'd just toss everyone pain pills like they were dog treats.

We ended up schlepping to El Toro when we left the hospital. Initially I wanted the hottest, cheesiest, corniest, beaniest, riciest trough of food they could serve me, and a cold beer didn't sound that bad either.

But no.

I pushed the chips across the table when they were set in front of me. Ordered pollo asado, black beans, hold the rice, skip the tortillas. And water with lemon, please. And of course, it was good, and I was satisfied when I left.

One more basket of chips resisted though. Trophy Please!

We really have to make that trophy. Who's gonna take it away from me?

Diet Quote du jour

"I can't concentrate today. All I can think about is my cheese stick."

Steak n Shake Lunch

Tossed bun and croutons. And yes, I was still hungry when I left. But I did it!

9 pounds

I'm down 9. While I am happy about that, I'm merely down to the weight I guessed I was when i started this diet. Yes, my starting weight on the South Beach app says 190. I was shocked-SHOCKED--when I got on the scale to find I was at 199, then. I plugged that number in on day 2, though, so it appears, when looking at my progress graph, that I gained 9 pounds the first day, and that I am now back down to my "starting" weight.

I've been hemming and hawing over buying a digital scale, but the decision was made when my diet buddy admitted the same thing, but then wondered "what if the new scale says I weigh more than the current one?" Oh, God, no! No thank you, she is right, I do NOT want a new scale!

But..what if it weighs us less? Then yes, thank you, I want a new scale.

Funny, no matter what the number says on any scale, fact remains that I've lost 9 pounds.

If a new scale weighed me less than my current one does, I admit I'd mentally stick to the starting weight of 199, and claim a bigger weight loss. I'm good at tricking myself that way.

Numbers Game

I just looked it up: I have to burn 3500 calories more than I take in for every single pound I lose.

I would like to lose 50 pounds.

50 lbs x 3500 calories = 175,000 calories I have to unload.

It may sound daunting to put it that way to some people, but it kind of comforts me, and puts me into a mindset to stick this out for the long haul.

I did not eat a spare 175,000 calories in one month, to put this weight on. I am not going to take off 175,000 calories in one month, or even two.

It's going to take some time, and it's going to get discouraging. I've never managed to do it, I have only failed, again and again. I wonder if I will some day embarrasingly take down this blog.

I hope not.

I hope that this time around, on those 1/2 pound, or 1 pounds weeks, that I don't get discouraged.

I want to remember to celebrate 1750 or 3500 calories off, even if it takes me 2 or 3 or 4 weeks to get rid of them.

As it stands, I have lost 6 pounds so far. That means I have eliminated 21,000 calories from my diet in the last 10 days.

Only 154,000 more to go.

Woo hoo!

4-9-13: I Will Not!

All of this plus cookies and cakes in the cube next to mine.

I Want a Sugar-Free Fudgesicle!

Since I found out they're allowed, I want one.

But I don't have any, so I'm going to bed.

That is all.

Screw the Spinach

Grilled salmon for dinner tonight. The charcoal was lit, and the spinach, onion, and garlic I had prepared yesterday was out on the counter for a quick saute.

It was supposed to be dinner for 2, but my love suddenly got called to the hospital for a "non-emergency emergency." His father was being taken by ambulance from the nursing home for a quick looksee after fainting. These ER visits have been lasting between 7 and 10 hours, and while he changed out of his work clothes to head out, I fixed him 2 fried-egg sandwiches with cheese (and onion I cut up yesterday) for the road.

Home alone for the evening, then, I grilled the salmon.

And I ate the salmon. All of the salmon. Screw the spinach. Tossing and stirring and cleaning the stove and washing the skillet. I didn't feel like it tonight. I just didn't feel like it. So there.

Streamlining

I feel like I spent my entire Sunday preparing for this week. I remind myself that "shopping for vegetables" also entailed running to Barnes & Noble, and Target, and Ulta...only about 45 minutes of my errands were diet-focused.

Afterward,  I cut vegetables and weighed and divided fish and meat portions for 90 minutes or so.
As I write, I'm overseeing 6 chicken breasts on the grill that will be sliced and tossed into salads. I'll freeze most of it, so shouldn't have to do this again for a couple of weeks.

So, 2 or 3 hours of total effort today, in hopes of streamlining most of my meal prep for the rest of the week. Last week I was prepared for lunches, but seemed to be back to the drawing board—or rather, back to the cutting board—in the evenings, with onions and garlic.


Summer is coming and with gardening, camping, and boating added to the mix, there will likely be a lot of Sundays that I will resist shopping and food prep at the end of the day. I'm already mentally preparing myself to distribute or shift the work, to stay on course. It's not that far away.

I'm hoping that this will just become easier as I naturally start to have what I need on hand, and can just come home and prepare a meal much as I had been before Phase 1.

In the meantime, I should have nothing to do this week but eat and exercise.

4-6-13: I Did Not

A couple of days of hurdles to clear, and I did it! Mostly.

Girl's Night last night had a hell of a spread with great food, and bottles of wine lined up. I fixed a plate early with allowable foodies so that I wouldn't end up starving and tempted. I mean, starving. Of course I was tempted all night, apparently the brie was to die for.

"Basket Case" made it through her Easter dinner with all of the family favorites without cheating, and a text came through from LM that she conquered a Friday Night Happy Hour, alcohol free. If my girls powered through, I don't want to be a schmuck shoveling a bunch of food down my throat while I'm handing out high fives. I kept to the celery. And the shrimp. And the cauliflower. And some ham. Oh, some mozzarella and tomatoes. I did not go hungry.

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I've had a day-trip with a friend planned that was going to end up at The Tamale Place, a restaurant that has been on the show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Oi. Guy Fieri doesn't endorse much slop. My plan: If there was other, healthier fare available, I would choose it. Simple. Drama Down.

The day went well. I was starving by noon, and chose a Greek salad for lunch at Panera. It was good, but by the time we rolled into The Tamale Place at 6 pm, I was ravenous again.

There were other items on the menu at The Tamale Place, but nothing any better for me than a tamale. Nachos were out, and while I could have eaten the meat out of some tacos for dinner, I was so hungry that I've have had to order about 17 of them to feel satisfied. I opted for one pork verde tamale. I chose black beans, no rice, and...

All of the chips in the photo above were tossed into the trash.*

Woo hoo! Victory Dance! I didn't eat even ONE chip, not even one!

One tamale: not so bad. Corn masa for tamale: made out of corn meal and lard. Not  so good—corn not allowed, and I don't even want to think about lard.

So. Not perfect South Beach fare today but I think in the end, I broke even with the rest of my choices. So. Good. Good for me.

And yes, that tamale was effin' delicious.

Back to towin' the line tomorrow morning.

*Yes, I feel bad for tossing away DDD-endorsed chips. I didn't realize they were going to be added to the meal, or I would have asked for no chips.

To Weigh or Not To Weigh

Every diet program I've ever attempted has advised me not to get on the scale every day. Weigh in once a week. Don't focus on the number. Don't set yourself up for daily disappointment.

It must be good advice, because it seems to be globally dished out.

It's just not advice that works for me.

I get a bit mentally wrapped up in my diet, especially in the beginning stages. I have a tendency to think that I have worked much harder than I have. I can be a bit of a diet drama queen. Some days "I had a salad for lunch," in my head is "oh my God, I gave up mexican friday! I wouldn't have been able to resist the chips, and what would I have ordered? Maybe fajitas. Could I even really just eat the meat out of a taco and throw the rest away? in public? how many calories is that green sauce? Well, we just stayed in and ate the salad, blah de fucking blah."

The problem with my diet DQ is that she mistakes mental effort for physical effort, and expects to lose 2 pounds a day for all of that thinking about chips.

A daily weigh-in gives me the reality check I need.
A daily weigh-in reminds me of why I started dieting in the first place.
A daily weigh-in keeps me honest.

It keeps me from rewarding myself with "just a little piece" of cheesecake well before I have earned the reward.

A daily disappointment? Eh. Nothing more than finding out that my scratch-off lotto ticket didn't pay off: Would have been nice, but intellect tells me the number on that scale isn't going to plummet every day.

Disappointment to me, is waiting SEVEN days to get on the scale and finding out the number didn't budge. If I wait 7 days, what I won't know is that perhaps 4 days ago, I dipped 3 pounds, and then had too much salt the day before weigh in. I have to then wait ANOTHER 7 days to find out if that was the case?

No thank you. I've become too much of an instant-gratification, zappos.com, delivery tomorrow girl to wait 14 days to "find out" if my efforts are working.

My weight dropped 3 pounds within 2 days of starting South Beach. This morning, the scale dropped 2 more pounds. Yipppeee!!!

I've lost 5 pounds. It's Saturday morning, and I get to celebrate my efforts all day. Well, I won't celebrate, exactly, but I'll face the day knowing my efforts are worthwhile, and I gotta keep on.

I'm so glad I don't have to wait til Monday to feel this!

Kale Chips: No Substitutions

Even though kale chips are schedule to arrive in the office tomorrow, I noticed that kale was on sale at Schnucks tonight, for 99 cents. That seemed cheap, so I grabbed a bunch. At the checkout, my "kale" ran up as mustard greens.

A Google Image search turned up two leafy vegetables that look exactly the same. I decided to go for it; what could go wrong?

Long story short, I now know that while kale takes 15 minutes to chip up, a  mustard green will turn to ash after 5 minutes in a 350-degree oven.

******

I survived dinner at the Esquire tonight. I ordered a glass of red wine and a club soda. I splashed a bit of wine into the soda, and set the glass aside. 5 more glasses of soda, I left with 2/3 of the wine still on the table. A little cheaty, but it was probably less than 4 Tablespoons of wine. I'll try not to guilt myself too much over it.

Salad with salmon was good, but after a salad lunch, I was still ready to keel over from hunger by 8pm. Chicken lunch meat and avocado slices for dinner number 2. Hmph.

Diet Buddies

Diet buddies have never worked out for me, really. Perhaps because my diet buddies always worked somewhere else, and lived in the next town, and having a buddy meant checking in after a week, learning that one of you hadn't really bothered to participate, and agreeing to meet at DQ for a large cone.

It's early I know, but I'm already amazed at how much easier this is with friends that are coworkers. Sharing meals is gratifying. Clearing a hurdle (an Easter dinner, a dinner out, skipping a glass of wine) is gratifying.

New to me is learning that discomfort and frustration is gratifying too. When I see someone else sticking to a diet, or who has lost 30 pounds and looks great--well, it just snuck up on me, and for some reason it seems like it took them no time at all. They are superhuman! Their weight just fell off! There was never a weak moment or a growling stomach, or a craving. Running made them high, they never experienced an ache in their side or a shin splint.

So easy for them. So hard for meeeeeee. So hungreeee. So hottttt. So sorrrrrre.

I take a twisted pleasure in my friends, then, saying "I'm starving!" at 10:00 in the morning, or admitting "I am dying for something crunchy."  Yay! Because, ME TOO, and this IS hard, and everybody else thinks so too, even though we feel good about it also.

It helps me beat myself up less.

From Weeds, Season 1, Episode 1

"My friend Tanisha tried that low carbs...she ate bacon and eggs for a whole month. I'm talking like 5 dozen eggs and a whole pig a day. She lost 11 pounds. That shit works."

It's funny the things we hone in on when we're heightened awareness. A week ago, I probably would barely have heard this line.

His n Hers

Lunch was easy today, a joint effort with another South Beach dieter.

Dinner...a bit more stumbling around. I forgot to get anything out of the freezer, so shrimp it was, for the speedy thawing. But shrimp and what? No shrimp and rice, no shrimp and grits, no shrimp fettucine. I had salad for lunch, and while I'm here to make sacrifices, I didn't feel like another salad for dinner. I was freezing from a walk cut short by freezy wind, and I wanted something HOT.

Chop the vegetables. Onions, mushrooms, and tossed spinach. Sauteed in a little olive oil, and mostly a splash here and there of chicken broth.

Also in no mood to go to great lengths for his rice or pasta or potato, I served him a lovely spoonful of 12-cent ramen noodles.

It was good.

This is going to get easier. Meals will become more second nature, with time.

And when the pantry fills itself out. I added lemon juice and trans-fat-free margarine to my shopping list today. Another trip to the store.

4-1-13: I Did Not!

Chocolate Bundt cake, jalapeno corn bread.