Changing Gears...again

...and will do it as many damned time as it damned takes!

Have come to realization that South Beach is not a winter diet for me. No farmer's markets to keep me flush in fresh vegetables. Fresh vegetables that make light meals that I want in hot weather.  It's been a particularly harsh winter with subzero temperature, and salads--no matter how many different salads I can make in a day or a week--just aren't cutting it for me. I want hot food, and I'm tired of serving it up over a bed of sauteed kale.

Mostly, though, I am tired of feeling guilty. THAT is what isn't working for me, feeling like I blew it when I throw a bit of C's rice into my kale, or guilty for grabbing a handful of that chex mix on the work table, or guilty when I'm starving at 2 and eat an entire peanut-butter-to-go for some protein and snack.

That said, nor am I ready to give up. I still want to be healthy and lose weight and feel good. I just think I need to switch it up. I want to be able to eat a Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich if I want it, without feeling bad.

Calorie counting it will be. 

Canceled South Beach app yesterday morning, and dragged out the measuring cups and the food scale.

This Sunday morning, instead of 100 calories of black beans, I'm putting my over-easy egg over a 100-calorie biscuit. I have a 1.5 oz slice of ham to heat up next to it. 

It's amazing how naughty I feel that I'm fixing biscuits this morning. I have no concern that i might eat all 6 biscuits that are in the oven right now, I know I won't do that. I'm just....

going to go enjoy my damned biscuit now.

It's Next Year Already

It's 2014.

I stumbled and bumbled, and put 15 of 17 back on--HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

Oh, a little here and a little there, and it got too cold to walk twice a day, and nachos and wine, and extra hours at work, and people that take care of themselves don't have to deal with what I do, ever, yes?

Grumbledy grumble.

I can do this.

Maybe it should be 5 pounds, ten times?..

Anyway. A beautiful baked brie with peach something, and bacon on the side is what I resisted today, so there.

Company and dinners out for the weekend, so it will be...challenging. I try to remind myself that ALL weekends will be challenging, or at least most of them will be, for the rest of my life. I can't go balls-out crazy 8 days a month for the rest of my life, can I?

So. I'll make good choices. There is STILL club soda and lime in every bar, right? And I'll have options for side dishes, I really will.

Rah, rah, rah. Bring on the miso soup.

17 steps forward...

...7 steps back.

Still hanging in here, but just barely. 

Still making better choices than I was, but just barely. I think that it is summertime and my schedule is naturally busier--more gardening, more chores in the heat--is all that is keeping my weight "off."

So, I've just read back through all of the posts in an attempt to motivate myself to get back to a stricter regimen. Time to get back to making better choices. In the end, I like the food better, and I feel better physically, and mentally, afterwards.

Everyone is cheating "just a little bit," and I find myself feeding off of that. Our group salads have turned into more meat, less salad. Full-fat cheeses and high-fat dips [guilty as charged] on our low-fat recipes. These things make a difference...clearly. I've put 7 lbs back on.

Swimsuit season, we went out on the boat yesterday. I was wishing for those 7 to begone, and reflecting that 6-8 more would probably be gone by now if I'd stuck to it.

Well, no time for remorse. Back to logging, and watching calorie totals, and more club soda and less wine, and Sunday food prep. 

I am now only at 10 pounds one time.

Rats.

You know you're sliding...

... when you want to eat the sugar-cookie candle. That thing must go.

Settling In vs. Complacency

I'm beginning to settle into this diet. The pantry has shifted so that I can easily settle on something for dinner. Sunday afternoon vegetable shopping is starting to become the norm. 

I am not fixating on everything I put into my mouth, so much.

I'm not recording my food, or even looking at the South Beach Diet app, even though I'm paying $5 a week to keep it. You know, that $5/week that will keep me motivated to keep on going.

Just like my gym membership...Um.....when is the last time I went to the gym?

Ok, I'm still doing good, but I've plateau'd a bit, and I realize I have tagged up to a bit of complacency. 

Vodka tonic on a summer night? Ok, I'll have 3.

Relationship crumbling, and spend the day arguing? Fuck it, I'm not cooking, just order a pizza.

Pork rind encrusted tilapia? Not *really* allowed, but it's still zero carb! TeeHee.

One serving of peanuts? Ok, that was good, how about one more.

These changes are likely to tip my 1500 calories (or whatever) over to 2000, which is going to slow down my weight loss. Which is going to frustrate me, while I really think I'm making a true effort. 

I don't want to become complacent. i want to continue to make good choices, and pass on the bad ones.

I've had a lousy couple of weeks in a shaky relationship, and at the end of the day, sliding into a pair of jeans a size smaller and knowing that I'm forging ahead and doing good things for myself has been gratifying.

5 days of camping awaits me. There will be a lot of alcohol. Brownies. Someone will make funnel cakes one night. Jell-O shots, and pasta salad and a plethora of other stuff that I can. not. eat. I'm trying to gear up for that now.

The camper is packed with spinachs and avocados, and a ton of fresh vegetables. Eggs over black beans and brown rice for breakfast will get me through light lunches and a simple piece of grilled meat with a salad for dinner. A 12-pack of club soda and a 12-pack of diet tonic are packed, as is low-cal, low-carb beer.

Walking, hiking, biking, swimming await me.

Must stay on track! I'm only on my 10 pounds, second time, at this point!

Back in the Saddle

This, I believe, would have been the point, in my past dieting attempts, in which I would have thrown in the towel. A long tiring week at our annual meeting had us up early, on our feet all day, and out the door late to find dinner. We had good intentions, going out on day 1 to purchase salad fixins, and they did save a couple of days. But when faced with the choice of fixing a salad on your hotel desk at 11:30 p.m., or getting up at 4:45 to have some extra time...ya pretty much just pass on the salad.

Our other choices were eggs boiled until they'd bounce, and the guts out of a plate of 3-inch sandwiches. Yes, I ate all of that too, but at the end of the day, I wanted something hot and filling. And alcoholic.

So, I didn't go balls-out gonzo, but by week's end, I didn't much care about the diet.

I gained 3 pounds.

What to do, then, but put it into the South Beach app, and head to Aldi to stock up on this week's veggies.

For dinner tonight, sauteed squid on cauliflower rice.

It was delicious.

Resolve and Vulnerability

2 years ago I was recovering from having lost the job I'd had for most of my adulthood. I was still reeling from my sister's illness and death, that spanned over 2 tours of Iraq for my son, and my mother losing her mind to Alzheimer's. I had nothing in my bank account, and I opted to cough up $400 for a weight loss program that guaranteed me to lose 20 pounds in 12 weeks.

Money back. Guaranteed.

At my 16-lb mark, I was feeling great! I loved the food I was eating! It was fresh and beautiful, and I was merrily Facebooking my progress.

I was high on my diet! High on the food! High on the progress! I could do this forever!

And my leader, who I respected very much then, for her straightforward, no-nonsense advice, said to me "you know this isn't going to last."

It took the wind out of me.

I've dieted before. I knew the odds were against me, and I'd invested 1/3 of my 2011 "free money" to go for it.

I knew she only wanted me to gear up to be strong, when I was grew weary from Sunday afternoon vegetable prep. She was warning me to have a mental Plan B.

I never lost 20 pound. Somewhere in there, I lost it. I missed those beautiful meals. I was even preparing them at our campground: beautiful meals over the fire, served over fresh lettuce, with black beans. I made it work everywhere.

And yet, it didn't last.

While I own my behavior, my "leader"'s words resonated with me: You just aren't going to love this, forever.

I'm at 13 lbs now, 3 pounds before I tossed in the towel, 2 years ago.

I don't want to feel the way I felt, before I started this time around. There was nothing constructive about it for me.

I work hard at reminding myself of this, and shutting out those that tell me to "give it up." I'm facing a big test: 6, 14-hour days, and while I try to figure out while I can get through it, I had two women warn me, today:

Give it up.

For one week, give it up.

This I know: Historically speaking, if I give it up now, it will be 2015 before I give it another shot.

I don't have it in me, right now, to weight 199 pounds again.

I am NOT. Going to give it up.